Hey :)

Welcome! Since you’re here, I assume you want to know a little more about me. Like, the real me. Here goes.

I am an only child, a firefighter’s wife, a mother of three, (all grown adults now), a wedding planner, designer at heart, homemaker by choice, trying to not be an alcoholic, and forever seeking to strike that balance just like everyone else! Yeah, yeah, that’s right, I try not to drink, or at least I try to not drink too much. But that’s only part of who I am. It is however, largely how I came to be here, in this place, blogging and creating beautiful things. So for that, I am thankful.

“Here” is this site, home to my Blog and Shop. It’s not perfect because the only thing I ever do perfectly is TRY. I never actually do one thing perfectly, but at least my family knows I’m trying and I’ll never give up. This site is testament to that fact! Wow, what an amazing world in which we live, where I can express myself in writing and in making stuff and then share it with the entire world. WTF. And in so doing, I hope to inspire, entertain, and encourage. Be sure to head over to the Start Here page next for some must-read blog posts and a special offer for subscribers only!

Now, if you really want to know more, here’s how I got here. I had what most would consider a “typical” childhood. Your usual ups and downs, mistakes and triumphs, pains and rewards. Then, I did the most unlikely thing at age 18 (at least in my family it was). I got married right after high school! Ta-da! My husband (of 28 years now) and I met when I was a senior and he was just out of the military. We decided this was it and went with our hearts. While we have had our share of struggles and difficulties, it was the best decision we ever made and we think we are the luckiest people in the world! Awe…

A couple of years into our marriage, our daughter Katie arrived. Three years later, our son Sean was born, (he’s the one with all the developmental delays and learning disabilities – more on that later). Finally, two years later, our son Ryan surprised us! I stayed home with the kids for ten years while my husband found his way into his career as a firefighter.

Somewhere along the line, I got the bright idea to get my degree. Chose an online university and an accelerated path (like I didn’t have enough to do!) and graduated the day before I turned 30 with a Bachelor’s in Visual Communication, Graphic Design. Then, feeling I should at least bring in enough income to cover my student loans, I found a part-time job (clerical). This became a full-time position and I stayed for seven years. Most of those years were a huge struggle for us as a family. The job was a good one and I was thankful, but it was never what I was “meant” to do. I’m more of an “artsy-fartsy” type! So I labored over the decision for a couple of years, and finally quit in 2014. One of the most difficult decisions I’ve ever had to make, but also one of the easiest, if that makes sense. Again, a dichotomous experience. I was struggling every day with what I knew to be clearly the choice I needed to make, but each morning getting into the car and heading back to the office to continue my work in what was a very good professional environment for people with whom I genuinely enjoyed working. I just couldn’t deny the fact that they could replace me there, but my family couldn’t replace me at home. More on this later too; I know mothers everywhere (employed or otherwise) are pulled and yanked in any number of directions, experiencing their own dichotomies every day. My hope for each mother is that she can find a way to do what she loves, to strike that balance, which is different for everyone, and have no regrets.

Also through these difficult years, I became an alcoholic. Yep, that’s right. What was I thinking?!? I know it happened sometime when the kids were all very little and I was pulling my hair out trying to manage a household with the special needs of our son. I did not handle it well. I mean, I tried all kinds of things to help him through his struggles as he learned to talk, read, get along with others, control his anger, etc. But I didn’t handle ME very well. Somehow, I thought ME was the thing that could be sacrificed when it was clear something had to give! I knew better, deep down, but I just couldn’t muscle through. So I turned to alcohol. It did the trick, of course, and I could finally relax and “not care” for just a little while. Then, as alcohol is designed to do, it sucked me in and became a necessity. It’s not rocket science. I got hooked and couldn’t find my way out without another drink.

I was what’s referred to as a “high-functioning” alcoholic. I took care of the day-to-day business and then got sloshed every night. Sure, I’d still wake up if someone called for me, take the kids to school and go to work every morning, laundry and dinner and homework in the evening. But the more I drank, the more I needed to drink. And the more I needed to drink, the more I hated myself every night when I drank. Alcohol has a way of making you feel better, only to then make you feel worse, which then makes you want it more. And we just loop it around.

Those were dark times. I know the alcohol made them darker. And I would give anything to go back and do it over without drinking. But I’m here today, doing this, because I went through those dark years. Everyone has something, right? I cannot be the only human being who has regrets and wishes for a do-over. So now I try to stay sober. I am here today to reach out so that if you have ever felt that way, you know you are in good company. All I can do is move forward. That’s all any of us can do. So let’s do that. Let’s blog about it all and make beautiful things! That’s all I really want.

Now, I am certainly no expert, but I have absolutely found that motherhood consists of some of the most amazing experiences one can ever have. Good and bad. Often, the same experience is both! For instance, when my middle child was around 5 years old, he caught a stomach bug (as kids often do!), and on one particular evening was um, how shall we say “leaking”, eh-hemm, as I hurriedly shuffled him to the toilet, cringing at the mess and stench along the way, and as he is leaning over said toilet, he manages to put enough words together to announce, “Mom, frow-up is NOT bootiful!” As you can see, vomit: bad; adorable observation from my speech-delayed son: wonderful. Bad and wonderful all at once. That’s parenthood.

This blog is a place to record such contradictions and celebrate those small victories. I will share with you my crazy ride through this life, some wackadoo mom stuff, and a menagerie of other topics to keep things interesting! This is meant to be a positive place where these experiences, good and bad, can be shared and we can all see that none of us are alone in this. While there may not be another alcoholic mom out there with a speech-delayed son who at age 5 was able to articulate his thoughts while vomiting and it was amazing, I know every mother out there has experienced that good and bad all in one moment; that dichotomy of motherhood.

So, feel free to look around. I hope you find something that speaks to you, wherever you are on this human journey. Now head on over to the Start Here page for some good stuff!   Wow, you’re still reading! Well, in that case, here are a few fun facts about me: • Thelma & Louise is my all-time favorite movie. • The Greatest Showman is a close second. • I love all things lemon. • I’m a standup comedy junkie (and so is my youngest son). • Paper is my friend, always has been – when I was a kid, I made Barbie clothes out of paper… and Scotch tape. • I was born is Wichita, Kansas. • My favorite way to kick back and relax is to park it on my couch and watch Flea Market Flip or Say Yes to the Dress. • I have issues… of magazines! Like a lot of them. I have a problem. • The Lovely Bones is one of my top favorite books ever. • Baking is an escape for me, in a good way!