Day 4

I skipped posting last night, but not because I was drunk. I wasn’t! Just a super busy day and I needed to go to bed. Which is nice. To go to bed after a busy day because I need to, not because I pass out on the couch and wake up at 2:00 in the morning with the TV still blaring and wondering how I landed in the family room.

Today was a bit of a test. I’ve muscled through plenty of Day Fours, but this time I stayed sober. So that’s something. There were absolutely moments when I thought ‘Oh yeah, mama’s gonna need a drink after this!’. But I stayed strong and kept my wits about me so I could properly deal with the situation at hand. And you know what? I did it. I dealt and came out the other side with a clear conscience, if nothing else.

There was one instance, in particular, that was especially trying. It was unnerving and embarrassing and disappointing. But it played out and when I saw an opening, I intervened and called time. As concerned as I was, and as uncomfortable as the episode was, I didn’t die. Shocking! The earth continued to spin on its axis. The sky did not fall. Who knows, maybe it was good for the teenager to hear his dad’s point of view, strong as it was. I have always believed that kids need to hear both sides from mom and dad, if mom and dad happen to see things a tiny bit differently. Maybe it scared the boy straight, even if for just today. The point is I survived without alcohol.

Not exactly a pink cloud moment, but a clear one just the same. And right now, clarity is a top priority. I’ll take what I can get. With a clear head, I was able to recall an incident when our daughter was about the same age as her younger brother today. It was a doozy! I wasn’t drunk, thank goodness, but I did lose control and completely lost my temper. I’m sure she thought I had 100% lost my ever-loving mind. The husband told me later, when we rehashed and debriefed, that he was a little worried but figured ‘mom must really need to get this off her chest’.

That memory tells me that this is OK. While that archaic spot in my brain thinks FLIGHT(!), my clear thinking tells me it’s alright; we’ll survive. Life isn’t rainbows and pink clouds all the time. Sometimes, things are painful and less than ideal. That’s what makes the rest of it that much more amazing and enjoyable, if I’m sober that is. If not, the rest of it is a pendulum that swings from hazy highs to forgotten moments and aching aftermath.

I choose sobriety. And I’ll choose it again tomorrow.