Happy Leap Day!

And Happy Day One to me AGAIN. I’m slowly realizing that although I’ve been moving toward sobriety at a snail’s pace, that’s still where I’m headed. It has been painstakingly slow, I mean truly tortuous, but I’m here. I have to do this. Me, only me. I have to stop looking outside of me, to other people and things, comparing circumstances and progress, worrying about what other people in my life are doing or not doing. This is just me. I must look within. I am learning to feel my feelings. Just the other day, I had some hard things I was feeling about my son and I felt them. I didn’t drink to numb; I simply felt the shit and moved on. The feelings do in fact subside. They change and evolve and sometimes go away altogether. But I can’t get there unless I feel them. Unless I sit through them. And it doesn’t matter if my husband is drinking while I do that. It doesn’t matter if my parents are drinking while I do that. It doesn’t matter what anyone is doing while I’m feeling the feelings and doing the work.

So here I am, feeling the feelings and doing the work. Thanks to Laura McKowen and her books, We Are the Luckiest and Push Off from Here, (two quit lit books among soooo many I have devoured), things are making sense. I’ve learned so much over the last 15 years of trying to quit drinking; collecting a million nuggets of wisdom and learning I’m in such good company. Now it’s time to put it all together. There is no “third door,” as Laura so wisely puts it. It’s just this. Quit. Accept it and focus on the good, the love, me. I will get over all the terrible things I’ve done. I will connect with all the amazing people online, even if I don’t ever attend an AA meeting (which is OK). I will feel the feelings. I will be honest with myself.

Actually, as I wrote this, just now I hopped (pun intended ;) on over to theluckiestclub.com, which is Laura’s website and home to a major support group, and joined The Sober 90 – Spring 2024! It starts tomorrow, if you can believe the timing. I had 2 bottles of wine last night, yes TWO, all by myself, and knew in my bones that I have to do this and I have to do it now. Here goes!