Recovery Now
Just a little GIF, but this is what I think when I think "Recovery Now"... hehehehehe ;)
Fast-forward to today, 2018 – If you missed it, go back and read Let’s Start with the Date for how I quit problem-drinking (or binge-drinking or whatever you like to call it). Since then, I can happily say I have been sober for most of the days. I went completely cold turkey and stayed that way for a good 18 months. I don’t even remember why I had a drink at that point, but it wasn’t a very big deal, obviously. And I didn’t blow it completely. I’m sure it was a camping trip or a holiday or something. But I was OK and it didn’t trigger a complete and utter relapse as you might imagine. I was kinda surprised. After that, I think I had a bottle of wine here and there, maybe once every couple of months. Of course, as one would expect, I managed to overdo it several times, but not horribly. It always came with the same old guilt and fear and horror, but again, I was mostly sober. How looks can be deceiving.
Then, we took our second trip to Kauai, just the two of us. And well, I’m on vacation! No kids, everything is so beautiful and romantic and breathtaking. I wish that had been enough for me. It wasn’t. What better way to enjoy all the tasty food and vivid sights than with wine?! I knew no other way. So I drank. Noticeably less than on our first trip three years prior for our 20th wedding anniversary. We both did better. But still, I knew this was wrong for me. This was a lovely, slippery slope.
After that, it was all too easy to say f🞸ck it, I’m already drinking. And so the drinking days began to outnumber the sober days. Sure, I had little stretches here or there where I would abstain. But it was painful and I couldn’t wait to get my hands on another bottle. However, this time around, as a drunk, I noticed some differences. I had read about these in books written by other recovering alcoholics, as they recounted their last drinking days. My sweet relief, that exquisite bliss as the clouds of responsibility lifted for the day, became ever so distant. It would take me almost an entire bottle to reach it and then suddenly, in a blur, it was gone. And I felt worse for it. And worse as I frantically tried to lure it back with even more wine. No, it was gone and I was to suffer through a fitful night of almost sleep, worrying all the while over what I had done, what I didn’t remember, what I might have said or yelled, a broken glass – I did that but I don’t remember anything before or after, when will my heart stop racing and my head stop pounding? The “good” shriveled up and the “bad” only multiplied.
Now, here I am blogging about my battle. I can tell you that I am sober. I am sober and I have never felt better. I have moments of pure bliss, when I notice a hawk sailing through the air above me, the sky that I don’t ever remember being so blue, and I wonder was the hawk always there and I just never noticed??? There’s music on the radio and sometimes they play a favorite song and I sing along, and I’m so happy there are DJs in this world. There are moments at home when one of us says something goofy and somehow, we all turn in to stand-up comedians and none of us are drunk! And I think hey, we’re a funny bunch. There are nights when the urge washes over me, but I let it and let it go, and then something happens that I have to deal with head-on and later I realize how very grateful I am that I was sober for it. Read about our Run-in with a Skunk for a good example.
Where do I go from here? I keep writing. I talk to God, and then I try to listen. I drink tea. I watch Mom on TV (super funny, brilliant show about a mother and daughter who got sober). I check in on Facebook – my group is called Mommy Sobriety. I scroll through Pinterest and save sobriety quotes to my Sobriety Board. I make stuff (see my Shop). I pet my wiener (dog ;) and our new puppy. I light a candle. I listen to good music. I go outside and feel the air around me. I drink lemonade with ginger ale. I clean out a drawer. I read books about sobriety and people who have gone through this before me. I give thanks for my life and my family and my little spot in the world.
And I celebrate every day of sobriety.