I Should've Known

He’s got better things to do. Always has. Ryan is now a junior in high school and has just switched to our district’s continuation high school. This in hopes that their model will be better suited to him than the traditional high school model.

Buuuuut, not even a week in and he ditched the whole day Friday. Now, I’m no prude. I know kids ditch, cut, whatever. But the problem is that Ryan is in no position to make that kind of call. He left his previous school with 4 “Fs” and less than a 2.0 GPA, well on his way to becoming a 5th year senior. His performance, or lack thereof, has been a cumulative and chronic problem ever since the 4th grade. He simply doesn’t do his work. I won’t get into all the gory details of that here; the point is that I keep getting blindsided.

The automatic text I received that night telling me that he ditched. Well, not in those words, obviously ;)

I was so angry when I found out that he had ditched the whole darned day that I didn’t even get emotional about it. He’s giving us such a run for our money that I’m getting a little worn out by it all. Still, my foremost thought is that ‘I just don’t know what to do’. I keep thinking I’m at my wit’s end, and then he does something else! Why am I surprised?

Then, Saturday morning as I drove past his elementary school, it all came back to me. Little Kindergartener Ryan, walking off campus and down the busy road toward the freeway. Yep, that’s right, he ditched Kindergarten! Up and left. Little did we know that day was a shady glimpse into our future.

Katie, Sean & Ryan on the first day of school, 2008. Believe it or not, Ryan was a happy Kindergardener!

Now I know this sounds a little questionable, so here’s what happened:

One bright, beautiful weekday morning, little Ryan has a dental appointment. I take him to his appointment first thing in the morning, so as not to cause him to miss too much of the school day. You know, trying to be a good mom. After his appointment, I drive him to school. We walk up to the office and I sign him in. (In their defense, our schools had never had a problem with kids making their way from the office to class, until then.) So, they give little Ryan his little note and sent him to his classroom. Hugs and kisses and he’s off. I make my way down the steps to the car and when I turn around, there’s Ryan at the top of the steps. Now, this was the opposite direction in which he was supposed to go, but CA schools are all “open”, as in, all the “hallways” between classrooms are outdoors, so it wouldn’t be alarming for him to be outside at the top of the stairs. I yell up for him to get to class and to tell him I love him. He had been a little “clingy” all morning, but I attributed that to the dental work and all he said was something about wanting to go to the Dollar Store, which was just a couple blocks down on the other side of the freeway. I tell him no, he needs to go to class and we’ll do the Dollar Store another day. I head home to get ready for work. Maybe 20 minutes later, I get a phone call from the school. Seems one of the teachers, out for a walk on her break “found” Ryan out on the main road, backpack on, note in hand, headed toward the freeway. They assured me they had him in the office now and were putting the fear of God into him. But they just wanted to let me know what was going on. This was not what I was expecting to hear just then. Nope. Not sure what I did; did I pee my pants a little? Did I break down and cry? I don’t remember. I only know the horrible, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach thinking about my little Ryan, my sweet, too stinkin’ cute little boy wandering the streets with no one to look out for him.

Milk mustache and proud of it! So cute :)

He was fine. Apparently, he knew what he was doing. Now, my best friend and I have had an ongoing debate as to what Ryan’s intentions were that day. I say he wanted his mommy (remember, he was clingy that morning); she says he wanted to go the Dollar Store. She’s probably right. We may never know… Even then, not knowing what to do, I did all I could do. I trusted that this was being handled by the school and that he would be watched closely that day, and I numbly wandered to work where I proceeded to fall apart in front of my boss, blubbering about how my child could have done this. She actually saw the humor in it; this little guy, walking down the street with his backpack on and note in hand, like “What? I got stuff to do”. Plus, she was a little worried that I was quitting, and was relieved when it was just “mom stuff”. She could handle that! She was always a good shoulder to cry on, even if it was embarrassing for me.

Fast forward to today, as I look ahead and wonder what kind of a glimpse into the future he’s giving us now. I know there is so much good in him and that he is here for a reason. I can’t wait for him to know that about himself.

Sigh, so here I am still not knowing what to do. Would LOVE to drown this in a bottle and a half of Chardonnay, but instead, I write. We just keep trying. Sometimes all you can do is all you can do. A good reminder for those tough days.

If you need a little reminder too, here’s a free printable.

Free 5x7” reminder art - click here for the high resolution PDF.