Day 2, Again...
Just like so many other Day Twos that have come before this one, it was a pretty good day. Although there was definitely a moment with the boys when I thought I could really stand to numb all of this. But I didn’t. I sat down instead. It hurt for a little while, but then it just went away. I’m not surprised; it was such a small thing. Just a typical eruption in our crazy household. And as usual, not in proportion to the scope of the matter at hand. Tempers flare easily in our home. Coping with this does NOT come naturally to me. I’d rather die. Or get shit faced. But, as I said, I did not do that this time.
I was able to go on and enjoy the rest of the evening. I got shit done. It’s unbelievable how many hours there are in a day when half of them are not spent drunk or hungover.
Recently, I listened to Clare Pooley’s Sober Diaries. Find it of course on Amazon or Audible. LOVE this book. Actually I just looped it around and am having another listen because it’s that good. I relate on EVERY level, except the British thing. Although secretly, there’s a part of me that wishes I was British, just like her. There are a million “nuggets” in her book, but in particular at this moment, I am curious to learn more about these: the pink cloud, monkey brain, and the wine witch.
The Pink Cloud
I know what this is and I have felt it before. It’s an exceptional high, but all natural and real and memorable and almost tangible. A phrase coined by AA, “used to describe feelings of elation and euphoria in early sobriety”. [1] As I research this phenomenon, I’m surprised to learn there is a downside. What? Turns out it can fool you if you’re not careful. Good to be aware, but I LOVE the pink cloud. Those moments when I can fully enjoy and appreciate whatever is going on around me, in real time, and with absolute certainty. I can feel those happy chemicals firing off in my brain and I need that. Bring it on!
Monkey Brain
This is a funny one to Google. The first results all have to do with a (supposed) delicacy made up of monkey brains, served in exotic destinations very far away . Yes, the actual brains from monkeys. No thank you. I search on and get closer to my objective. Also known as the “monkey mind”, this is a term, according to Buddhist principles, that “refers to being unsettled, restless, or confused”. [2] Yes, that sounds familiar. I cannot get my brain to shut off when I need it to. Shut up already! Still doing my homework on how to turn out the lights sans alcohol, but I’m getting there. It’s nice just to know this is a thing.
Wine Witch
What a strange, wackadoo concept! It’s like an alter ego of sorts. And not a good one, although she things she’s hot stuff. The inner dialogue (well I hope it was inner) I had with this whore took up a great deal of space and time in my life. She is always there. She’s the bitch who pops up to suggest “Ooh, a glass of wine would go so well with this sunset” or “Well, that was a shit show; you deserve a stiff drink for that one” or “Come on, you’ll only have the one glass, I promise”. Liar. So now, I am on a mission to shut her up. Hmmm, shut off my brain and shut up the wine witch. I suppose I better find something to take her place?
The work continues. But it’s a big deal for me to post on Day 2. I must be serious this time.
Lesson for the day: I can get through hard things.
What I notice when I am sober and I allow myself to feel the shitty feelings and follow a crappy train of thought through to the end is that I come out the other side alright. I survive.
Today, for example, a hard thing was our poor pup was in bad shape. She was fixed a few days ago, and today the “wound” began to look angry. Things got yucky and I took her in to see the vet. Of course I got the inevitable questions about what we had allowed her to do that she wasn’t supposed to do, like jumping up onto furniture. Honestly, she had been far too sedated to do any of that, but I felt the guilt just the same. I must be the worst dog-mom alive. I went directly down the road of shame and self-hatred. But after a tearful drive home and a pity party for about 20 minutes, I decided I needed to distract myself. I dove into a project and before long I noticed I wasn’t crying anymore. Humph. What do you know? I survived. It sucked, and I felt horrible for what our girl was going through, but I knew it would be OK. Everything will be alright.
And guess what? It’s fine. Turns out it wasn’t my fault, or anyone else’s. It’s a hormonal circumstance that is sending her little hormones for a loop and making recovery really tricky. It sucks, but she’s OK. I’m OK. We’re all OK. And for that I am grateful.
[1] Eudaimonia Recovery Homes on February 20, 2019, https://eudaimoniahomes.com/recovery/what-is-the-pink-cloud/
[2] Calming the Monkey Mind by Diana Raab Ph.D. Sep 13, 2017, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-empowerment-diary/201709/calming-the-monkey-mind